idk if anyone still reads this...if you do care to read about my life, read my myspace blogs...i'm too lazy to keep copying it to xanga...here's the link...

http://blog.myspace.com/a1m13y25bb12

oh, and if you have a myspace and i know you and have not added you as a friend yet, add me!...here's my site...

http://www.myspace.com/a1m13y25bb12

i think i got the closure i needed...it wasn't exactly the closure i wanted, but it's still closure...so it's over and done with...at least for now...maybe if it's really meant to be, he'll come back later...when we've both become better people...

but until then, there will be no more crying...no more being depressed...no more putting my life on hold...no holding my breath waiting for him to come back...i'm not gonna let him stop me from enjoying my life...it's my life and i need to make the most of it...if he doesn't wanna be a part of it, that's his loss...i'm ready to hang out and have fun...call me up!...

to my friends--thanks for all that you guys have done for me...

mari...i love you soooo much!...thanks for letting me go camping...that sure was a fun weekend...thanks for calling to check up on me and just talking to me to pass the time...we will always have something to talk about!...be sure to keep in touch and let's not let the distance come between us...call whenever you have time!!...i'm gonna miss you!...

lauren...thanks for being a great friend through it ALL...thank you for always being there by my side whenever i'm in trouble...thanks for being that down to earth person that i need in my life and for helping to keep me true to myself...thanks for all the advice and for just being there to listen to me to help me sort out my thoughts...thanks for being a great friend...love you lots!...

celeste...i know we haven't been that close, but i think that maybe this happened for a reason and that it'll give us a chance to become even better friends than we already are...thanks for being there for me when i needed you and for being a shoulder to cry on...now that i am not crying, you can be my shoulder to lean on when i'm too drunk to walk!!...haha...nah, but let's hang out...find me a hot guy!...love you...

elsie...kay, i know we never used to talk much, but i think this was good for us, too...your being there and knowing what i was going through helped a lot...sorry for all the late night dramas that i added to your life...but thanks for all the talks and advice...i hope that we'll be able to get along as roommates...you're soo crazy, but i love you anyway!...

dawn...thanks for being there for me and for letting me drink at curtis' house...thanks for being there when jake and i used to fight before, too...i'm gonna miss you next semester!...all those late night adventures!!...love you...

matt i...thanks for all the talks and advice...sorry i didn't get your advice soon enough...but thanks for being there for me through all of this...i miss hanging out with you and we really gotta do stuff once school starts again!!...i miss talking to you and laughing with you and just hanging out with you...we gotta go see stars again one of these days...and walk around waikiki...and go curry house and coldstone...can't wait for college to start!...basketball everyday?!?!...

nolan...thanks for all the advice and just helping me to laugh all this off...thanks for being a great friend...even when jake and i were going out...thanks for everything!...you better come back to town occassionally during the school year to play cards and just to hang out...

matt l...i don't know if you're gonna read this or not, but thanks for being the bestest work buddy in the world...thanks for all the advice...but more importantly than that, thanks for always making me laugh...$50!...haha...

kyle...you are soooo mento...but you were lots of fun to talk to online and on the phone...thanks for keeping me distracted during that first week when i needed it most...thanks for all the stupid stories and just for being there for me...we gotta play cards during the school year, kay?...

brandon...thanks for all the advice...thanks for talking to me and listening to my dramas...thanks for being a great friend...gonna miss playing basketball with you!...thanks for everything...

christian...thanks for the comment...i know you're going through a rough time, too...but we'll be fine...we'll both make it...hope everything works out for you...

riley...i know i fucked up and i know you'll probably never forgive me...i'm a bitch and i was drunk...i'm sorry...i know i hurt you and i ruined what could've been a decent friendship...you were always there to talk to and were always able to make me laugh...you were there for me when i needed a friend and i let you down...i'm sorry...you worried about me and cared about me and i didn't return the favor...i'm really sorry for everything...i don't know what else to say cause i know nothing i say can make it go away...but please believe that i'm truly sorry and i never meant to hurt you...i hope that one day you'll forgive me...

curtis and jaxson...thanks for letting me drink and for letting me hang out with you guys...it was lots of fun and helped to keep my mind off jake...

rich and ry...i know we haven't talked in forever, but it was nice hearing from you guys...i miss watching you two fight!...haha...

jason...hmm...what to say about you?...haha...nah...thanks for your email...all the advice and support...it was very interesting to hear from you considering i haven't talked to you much or seen you recently, but i hope that we can become good friends...you really were there for me and i'll be forever grateful for that...love and basketball, baby!!...hehe...

scott...it was nice to hear from you...thanks for the love and support and for inviting me to hang out...i hope tomorrow is lots of fun!...i can't wait!...

tammy, savannah, kristyn, paul, john...thanks for the comments and for showing your love and support for me through this rough time...it was greatly appreciated and brought a smile to my face...thanks for thinking of me!...

mark...saving the best for last!...you truly are the greatest brother that i could have been blessed with...you are family, yet you are my very best friend...i can always count on you to be there for me and you have never let me down...i know i haven't always been the best sister, but i do know that we have a special bond that i hope we will be able to share forever...let's always be the best of friends and never let anything come between us...you are the bestest friend in the world...thanks for all the love and support through it all...thanks for all the hugs and advice and for being there...you are the best, mark, and i'll love you forever...no fighting--even when we get old...i promise...love you lots!!...

life sucks...

at first i was in total shock...i didn't know what to think or do...i ddin't wanna believe that it was really happening...i was just sooo confused...it didn't make any sense...i almost wish he had told me there was another girl...but there isn't...there's just an illusion that there may be this perfect girl so he gotta move on so that he's single when she comes along...he also said he needed to leave because of stuff about him...how it was his fault that he has to break up with me...how he's not happy with himself, so he can't be happy with me...how he's not able to give 110% to the relationship, so he feels the need to end it...how he has this "gut-feeling" (and that's a quote) that this is what we need to do...how he thinks that his future wife is in hawaii (so he's not going back to california)...how maybe he was standing right in front of her...how maybe it is still possibly me...how can he say that and still not wanna be with me?...how it is totally possible that he is making the worst decision of his life...how if it was really meant to be we'd find each other later...how he feels he needs to experience both sides of a break up (being the person wanting to break up and being the person who still wants to continue trying)...how he feels that we both haven't dated enough people to know  what's truly out ther eand what we truly want...how we need to find ourselves and then find each other again...i'm just so confused about everything cause this didn't even start with a fight...and we have fought on numerous occasions in the past that have all led to the dreaded, "maybe we shouldn't be together"...but then we always apologize, learn and move on...this time it was different...he just had a change of feelings...he no longer loves me the same way as he used to...but then add all of this into the mix...he's been thinking about breaking up with me for a week...my birthday was within the week...and he kinda made his decision before my birthday, but didn't know how/when to tell me...so then he spends $450 on my present, plus the cost of flowers and helps to make my 20th birthday the best one of my life...seriously, it really was...and then three days later, stop by after work to break the news...i'm so heartbroken...so confused...so hurt...

kay, but then i had my party (just a get together with my friends to play poker and have dinner and hang out)...and i think that i'll be okay...i convince myself that i will end up marrying him and that this is what's best for now...i manage to not cry for the whole time (7pm-7am)...so i think i'm okay...my friends are great...we talked and laughed about everything and anything...i even managed to not cry when his name was said or something was said that reminded me of him...we were all having fun...or so they think...or so i'm trying to make myself believe so that i can make everyone else believe...

but i'm not okay...the sun has come up and everyone has just left...once i'm alone again with no distractions, all i can think about is him...and i start to cry once again...i cry cause i'm frustrated/confused and still in shock...still refusing to believe this is real...that this time it really is over...that he is not coming back...that he truly is ready to move on with his life that no longer includes me...i just don't know what to think anymore...

i go to my grandma's house cause i knew she'd be up and willing to talk...we talked for a long time about jake and about everything...i cried the whole time, but i couldn't think of any bad thing to say about him...i love him and i still do very much...i know she could tell...tears streaming down my face, but not a hint of hate in anything i say...she kept saying that maybe he wasn't for me...afterall, he is a gambler and a businessman...he doesn't have time for me...she said a lot of negative things or suggested a lot of things, but i constantly made excuses...constantly defended him...held my ground and told her that he was the one...obviously we're not gonna be together from now till forever as i had originally hoped, but i told her and i truly believe that we will be together somewhere down the line...

i think that we will meet up again because he'll never find perfect (so he'll come back to me realizing that "good" is good enough)...i'll still be single because i'll never give anyone my heart...no one will ever be allowed to touch it because i'll probably never trust anyone with it again...who's to say that he won't break it?...i thought jake wouldn't and he did...so how am i to judge who deserves it?...better to just protect it...i think that'll make me a bitch...and if a person can put up with my bitchiness and still manage to love me, then maybe and only then will i show him my heart...but trust me, no one will ever have complete control of my heart ever again...i was too stupid...too naive...i gave him my all...tried to do whatever he wanted...but it still wasn't enough...

he's gone...out of my life...we will never get to hit that two year mark...1 year, 9 months, and 11 days...some of the best times of my life...wonderful memories...so heartbreaking to think of it all...

i need a distraction...i need things to do...i really should be studying for dynamics...i better not fail that class!...

wow...that was like the bestest birthday ever!...thanks to my family and jake and elsie for helping me to celebrate it...and thanks to my friends for wishing me a happy birthday...

20...hmmm...nothing good about that, i guess...just means that i'm only one year away from 21!!...can't wait!...

summer is okay so far...kinda junk...

living at home is okay...free food, but lots of unnecessary stress/frustration...

i work and jake works so our schedules kinda don't work out...kinda sad about that...hope everything will be okay...happy 20 months...i love you...

work is good...better than last summer...better pay and more fun...

not doing much with friends...email mari all day, but don't really go hang out...we did go camping, though...thanks, mari, that was lots of fun!...i miss lauren...she's been gone too long...i never see dawn--i see/talk to curtis more than her...matt/nolan guys suck cause they only play basketball late at night so i never get to see them either...oh well, i guess i'll just see everyone again when school starts again...

i never thought i'd say this, but i can't wait for summer to end...maybe i'm just pms-ing and i'll change my mind later...who knows...